the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
