i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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