Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
