Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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