i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
