Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
