All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
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