I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
