apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
