I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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