I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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