Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
