If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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