Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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