yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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