To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
