it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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