either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
