she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
