I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
