census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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