Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
