omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
