Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
