phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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