i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
