I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
