He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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