Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
