You just made me feel so damn special
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
