I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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