How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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