I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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