After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My ass is underappreciated
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
