Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
