Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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