I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
