I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
