this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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