So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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