Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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