Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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