if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
