I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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