I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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