Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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