I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
