At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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