our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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