thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
