I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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