You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
