I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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