You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
